A Tax Plan You Will Love!

By P.J. O'Rourke

The microeconomic outlook is gloomy... The macroeconomic outlook is glum... The political outlook is dismal...

So let's talk about something that's cheerful by comparison – taxes.

I have a plan to raise taxes. But this is a plan I think Stansberry Digest readers can support. I believe I have figured out a way to raise taxes that – for the first time in the history of taxation – will be fun.

Before I explain, let's take a moment to face the fact that our taxes are going to go up no matter what.

The American economy's two biggest problems are the federal deficit and the federal debt.

We should fix those problems by cutting federal spending. But neither candidate is willing to do that. So the problems will have to be fixed by raising taxes.

Hillary is a Liberal Looney. She'll create more new government programs than you can shake a stick at, then she'll tax the stick.

Trump is just as much of a Looney. He claims he'll cut taxes, but he swears he won't touch entitlements. And he's full of governmental ideas as big as his name is on his buildings. These will have to be paid for somehow.

Elect Hillary, and we'll get obvious higher taxes – on our incomes, investments, and businesses.

Elect Trump, and we'll get hidden higher taxes – in the form of worthless U.S. dollars being printed to fund the deficit and debt.

I have a better idea.

Let's tax celebrities.

I don't mean we should tax individuals for being celebrated... as long as they're celebrated for something.

Warren Buffett is celebrated for his investment savvy. He may think his taxes are too low. ("Even my secretary pays a higher tax rate than I do.") But I don't want to raise Buffett's taxes. Investment savvy benefits mankind.

And I don't want to tax celebrated athletes, artists, or entertainers even if they seem like obnoxious jerks and I'm not sure why they're celebrated. To me, rap music sounds like a bunch of angry potty-mouths fell down a flight of stairs while carrying a drum set. But my daughter assures me that Kanye West is a genius. So I don't want to raise his taxes. Kanye West benefits... um... my daughter and her friends when they're having a noisy party.

What I want to tax is "celebrities" – that modern category of useless fools and numbskulls who have never accomplished a single damn thing and are famous for it.

The net worth of Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe Kardashian plus that of their sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner and their mother Kris totals $300 million (at least according the intrepid newshounds at Life & Style magazine). I'd say a just and fair Kardashian tax rate (call it "IRS Form 7K") would be 100%.

I'll let Used-to-Be-Bruce off the hook for having won a gold medal in the 1976 Olympic decathlon.

Taxing the Kardashians alone won't close the deficit gap. The budget deficit is $438 billion. This leaves us with $437.7 billion to go. But a 100% Celebrity Tax would apply to plenty of other people.

For tax purposes, my definition of a celebrity is "Anyone who attracts or attempts to attract public notice for doing something requiring so little talent, skill, and sense that my kids could do it."

With an extra 110% Celebrity Surtax when they attract public attention for something that would get my kids grounded without TV, iPhone, or Internet until they're 40.

I'm thinking, for example, of that idiot Johnny Knoxville and his Jackass crew of morons. I spend about half my day trying to prevent my 12-year-old son, Buster, from doing the type of things that Knoxville and his buddies did – such as taking a stolen grocery cart to the top of the local ski hill that's closed for the season and riding it down the terrain park. I don't even know where Buster gets these ideas. The MTV series Jackass was off the air before he was born.

Or the Real Housewives franchise. I've got an 18-year-old daughter. I'm sure she has the talent to spend a fortune on clothes and makeup. I know she has the skill to throw the kind of tantrums that increase TV ratings. And since she's legally an adult, she could marry a rich jerk and then act like Huma Abedin does when she peeks at Anthony Weiner's Twitter account. But my daughter is too smart for that. I hope.

Speaking of smart, my dog has more brains than the contestants who go on Naked and Afraid.

Reality TV is an excellent place to start applying the Celebrity Tax. I have one particular show in mind. My kids have a knack for being bossy. They are adept at telling each other the sibling equivalent of "You're fired!" And I've watched them spend their allowances… They possess the kind of business acumen that if you gave them a license to mint money at an Atlantic City casino, they'd go bankrupt, too.

A Celebrity Tax is perfect for our presidential candidates. If Donald Trump is as rich as he says he is, we really could make a dent in the deficit.

And talk about a useless fool and numbskull who has never accomplished a single damn thing and is famous for it, there's a certain former secretary of state.

From the "reset button" to smooth relations with Russia to the "spontaneous" attack on our consulate in Benghazi, U.S. foreign policy was one triumph after another under Hillary Clinton.

When Hillary was a senator, she introduced exactly three bills that became law. One bill created a National Historic Site in Troy, New York. One bill renamed a post office. And one bill designated a portion of U.S. Route 20A as the "Timothy J. Russert Highway."

Also, remember how we were going to get a two-for-one deal when we elected Bill in 1992? Remember "Hillarycare" in 1993?

And Hillary's attempt at being a Whitewater real estate developer made Donald Trump's handling of the Trump Taj Mahal look like a Warren Buffett investment.

Tax the hell out of Clinton and Trump. We think he's rich. We know she is. The November election is going to take one of them to the White House. Before that happens, let's take both of them to the cleaners.

Regards,

P.J. O'Rourke