Can the Government Be Run Like a Business?
By P.J. O'Rourke
For years, libertarians and conservatives (myself included) have griped that "government should be run like a business."
But would it work? Presumably, we're about to find out.
We've just elected a businessman president, and running a business is the only experience he has had.
The truth is, we don't have much evidence one way or the other. Very few American presidents have had significant business careers before they were elected.
I'm not counting the management of large plantations by early presidents such as Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and Jackson. We have a name for the slave-labor business model. It's called evil.
And I'm not counting show business, either. It's such an oddball enterprise that I'm not sure what lessons you can learn from it. Although maybe The Apprentice will serve as an inspiration for Trump's cabinet meetings the way Bedtime for Bonzo served as an inspiration for Reagan's.
The few presidents who were chief executives before becoming THE chief executive either didn't try – or didn't get a chance to – apply business methods to government matters.
An exception was Warren Harding, editor and publisher of a lucrative Ohio newspaper. Unfortunately, Harding's business method was corruption.
Both Bush presidents had previous business careers. "Bush 41" had done reasonably well in oil exploration, but not so well that he ever earned the West Texas nickname "Gusher George."
As co-owner of the Texas Rangers, "Bush 43" made more than $14 million when the team was sold in 1998. But in 2010, the team was bought by Ray Davis and Bob Simpson for $593 million. Businesswise, W. seems to have left some money on the table.
However, as president, each George faced challenges no CEO ever confronts. No MBA case study prepares you for the Gulf War or 9/11.
And speaking of CEOs, it's interesting what happened when Donald Rumsfeld (ex-CEO of G. D. Searle pharmaceutical corporation) was handed the management of the Iraq War. The merger and acquisition went well, but in the end the stockholders (U.S. occupying troops, Iraqi civilians, victims of ISIS terrorism) were unhappy.
In fact, it's been 88 years since we last elected a president who was a truly successful businessman. The brilliantly entrepreneurial Herbert Hoover was a mining engineer who became a multimillionaire silver, lead, and zinc magnate.
(No wonder Hoover favored "hard money." Although, personally, I'm not sure whether I want a zinc-backed U.S. dollar.)
Alas, things did not work out well for "The Herbert" – the 1929 stock market crash, the Great Depression, etc. Let's cross our fingers and hope for better luck this time.
To be fair, Hoover had been in office for less than eight months when economic disaster struck. It can't have been all his fault. Nonetheless, "Great Depression" is the feeling that comes over anybody who tries to look at the U.S. government as a "business."
In the first place, U.S.G. "Corp." is a monopoly. Don't go trying to start your own government. We settled the question of whether that's a good idea at Appomattox Court House in 1865.
And we settled it rightly. Former Yugoslavia gives us an example of what happens when a country – even a notso-hotso country – splits into lots of little countries.
When it comes to government, one is enough. But that still leaves us with a monopoly situation.
Monopolies are infamous for charging high prices in return for shoddy goods and services. U.S.G. is true to form. We pay the high prices on April 15, and we see the shoddy goods and services in – to name just two examples – the nation's infrastructure and our VA hospitals.
But wait... aren't monopolies also infamous for reaping huge profits? The U.S.G. balance sheet will show a loss of $503 billion this year and has been in the red for 42 of the past 46 years.
U.S.G. is a terrible monopolist. Our government is like a kid playing a game of Monopoly. This player has hotels (in government-speak, it's called "eminent domain") on Boardwalk and Park Place and on all green, yellow, red, and orange properties. He owns (by way of the departments of transportation and energy) the railroads and the utilities. And he has a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. (Keep an eye on Obama's presidential pardons.)
And then what does the player do? He spills an alphabet soup of federal regulatory agencies on the board and stomps on the top hat, wheelbarrow, race car, and Scottie dog tokens of free enterprise. He takes all the Federal Reserve Bank Monopoly Money and throws it out of the playroom window.
Of course, running a business involves more than just minding the bottom line. What about U.S.G.'s executive talent, marketing strategy, and corporate culture?
The popularity of the catchphrase "Drain the Swamp" says everything that needs saying about U.S.G. corporate culture.
A "U.S.G. marketing strategy" is exactly what an election campaign is. And I've never seen a worse one than this year's. If toilet paper were marketed the way American political candidates are, everybody in the country would be using corncobs.
As for executive talent, U.S.G. definitely has some. Surveying the current political scene, I see all sorts of skills and abilities. If I ran a small savings and loan association in Wisconsin, I'd nab Paul Ryan for head teller. Likewise, James Comey, if I were hiring a mall cop.
If I wanted a chief fundraiser for a nonprofit, especially for a ridiculous nonprofit – "Save the Screw Flies" – Bernie Sanders would be my man. If I had a rich uncle who left all his money to a home for stray cats, I'd put Janet Yellen in charge of the trust fund. And if I were looking to brand luxury condo and resort developments... Well, you know who the go-to guy would be.
But U.S.G. is a firm that does business to the tune of $3.9 trillion a year. Heaven knows what kind of talent it would take to run that. You could name all the gods of Olympus as directors and make Zeus chairman of the board and it would be too much for them.
Can President Trump can do some things to make government more businesslike? For sure. Thousands of them. And it's a theme I'll be returning to.
And yet... And yet... "Can the government be run like a business?" Yes – a bad one.
Regards,
P.J. O'Rourke