Getting Passionate on Moderation

By P.J. O'Rourke

The GOP is still the "Land of the Bland."

Despite a spicy 2016 presidential primary campaign, the Republicans continue to be a political party of moderate people – responsible, conscientious, careful, and not in their first youth. I know, I'm one of them.

Therefore, a moderate Republican presidential nominee remains a possibility. Moderate Republicans can't stand Cruz and can't understand Trump.

Given Rubio's photo finish for second place in the South Carolina primary and Jeb being scratched from future races, Marco Rubio seems to be the moderate with the edge.

Not that it's much of an edge. As a moderate Republican, what I don't like about Rubio – or Kasich, either – is moderation.

Damnit, I'm passionate about responsibility, conscience, and care. I want to hear bold attacks on the politics, policies, and programs that are making our nation irresponsible, unconscionable, and careless.

There's nothing wrong with Rubio's platform. Cutting the U.S. corporate tax rate to 25% is truth. Simplifying the tax code is beauty. And eliminating taxes on capital gains and dividends for new investments is the American Way. Most of the rest of what Rubio proposes makes sense, too.

But I want my candidate to be more than sensible. I wanted him to be incensed. My candidate should be making an angry statement on behalf of the electorate to the elected. My candidate should tell the government, "It's not your money!"

Please, Marco, get up there and declare, "People make! Governments take!"

And Marco, I wouldn't mind you having a little fun while you're at it. You should be laughing at the political establishment.

The Washington Insider Circus performers in fright wigs and grease paint (and greased palms) have been sticking their big red rubber noses into everyone's business, treading on our Constitutional rights with their huge floppy shoes of government overreach, and dousing the economy with cold water squirted from their tax-and-regulation boutonnières.

Marco, you should be showing us what a bunch of clowns we have in government.

You're against raising the minimum wage. You note that it hinders commerce and kills jobs. But Marco, you ought to be making your case by showing how ridiculous government attempts to control wages are.

You should say: "$15 an hour? Ha! Let's raise the minimum wage to $1,000 an hour. We'll all be rich! Sure, a Big Mac meal will cost $400. But we'll be so rich we won't care. And no, we're never going to hire anybody with wages that high. But no one will ever have to hire anyone again because we'll all be so rich we can retire!"

Marco, you want to rein in the Federal Reserve and reduce the national debt. Excellent goals. But the underlying issues are abstract. Use humor to make them concrete.

Tell the voters: "Excuse me, there's something I don't understand about U.S. monetary policy. If I have a printing press and I print a whole bunch of $100 bills, I go to jail. If the president has a printing press and prints a whole bunch of $100 bills, he gets re-elected."

Marco, you understand the fundamental truth of a free society: The government works for us.

Taxes are a payment to government for services rendered – protecting property, maintaining public order, and defending our nation. It's a straightforward deal, no matter how sideways and crooked people in government want to make it.

But you need to deliver that message with passion. Make us laugh! Make us cry!

You're good at memorizing speeches. Maybe a little too good. Marco, here is a speech I want you to memorize:

What if we paid a kid – paid him a lot – to mow our lawn? And what if we came home from work and found our lawn looking like Hell's Half-Acre?

That's us, in America, right now.

The kid we paid to mow the lawn is a bright kid. He went to Columbia and Harvard Law School. But when we got home, he was in our kitchen raiding the refrigerator and talking BS.

The BS that kid is talking is the same BS all the Washington insiders feed you.

"Your lawn is bigger than it should be. It causes other people's lawns to be too small. There are people in the apartment building across the street who have no lawn at all," he tells you. "So I mowed their lawn instead of yours. And I gave them your mower."

The Washington insiders say: "I found an invasive species in your herbaceous border. The fine is $500. You can pay the fine to me."

They say, "The people next door have crabgrass that is invading your lawn. I held talks with them. They've agreed not to complain about your crabgrass if you let them grow more of their own crabgrass and give them $1 million."

They say, "You may need more lawn care in the future. I signed you up for lawn care insurance."

And they say, "Do you want my friend Hillary or my friend Bernie to come tomorrow and wash your car? Your car is emitting greenhouse gases that cause climate change. They'll stuff a wet sponge up the exhaust pipe."

Then, Marco, finish the speech by saying: "Send me to Washington, and I'll make the government shut up!"

Marco, if you start talking to us like that, maybe you'll win the nomination. Perhaps you'll be elected president.

Or at the very least, you'll get a talk show on Fox TV – "Uh-Oh, RubiOs."

Regards,

P.J. O'Rourke