Six Ways This Hot Mess of a Presidential Race Will Change American Political Campaigning Forever

By P.J. O'Rourke

Leaving aside whatever the awful outcome of the 2016 election will be, the campaign itself has sunk to the level of the "food fight!" scene in the movie Animal House... except less funny.

We wish we had a candidate with as serious and intelligent a statement to make as John Belushi when he stuffed his mouth with cottage cheese, pressed on both cheeks, and said, "I'm a zit."

But it's too late now (in several ways) to nominate John Belushi. This campaign is – thank goodness – almost over. The only good thing about it is that it's going to change American politics for the better.

Because American politics can't get any worse!

At the very least, I can count six ways our political system will improve as a result of this abomination...

1. The primary-caucus-convention process for choosing presidential candidates is headed for the recycling bin.

In 2016, the state primaries and caucuses might as well have been made up of 50 monkeys throwing darts at a random list of rich, old white people.

The caucuses were coffee klatches for folks who need to get a life. Only a little more than a quarter of eligible voters bothered to cast ballots in the Democratic and Republican primaries, and half of them voted for someone other than Trump or Hillary.

And the conventions were just bad infomercials – unlike the kind that send you to the phone to buy the product, they send you to the phone to call the Better Business Bureau.

But what will a recycled primary-caucus-convention process look like? Expect a bunch of states and the federal government to pass laws about this, and then watch them overturned in an endless series of court appeals.

Republicans and Democrats may think they're a vital part of the U.S. government, but actually they're private organizations with no more Constitutional standing than motorcycle gangs. Maybe in 2020 we'll select our presidential candidates with fists, knives, and tire irons in the parking lot of a biker bar.

And I take that back about how things "can't get any worse." This is something nobody should ever say about American politics.

2. The candidates, however, will get better.

Or at least, they'll get better behaved. On our 2016 hike through the electoral forest, we encountered nothing but dangerous bears. Dangerous and disgusting. Bears do you-know-what in the woods.

Next time, we're headed straight for the safe and hygienic Scout camp. Our future candidates had better be good Scouts. I got out my old Boy Scouts Handbook (circa 1958) and looked up The Boy Scout Law. How do our Democratic and Republican candidates measure up?

A Scout is:

Trustworthy: Ha!
Loyal: Hillary, maybe, but only to Bill, and for all the wrong reasons.
Helpful: They both help themselves to everything in sight.
Friendly: With friends like these...
Courteous: Ha, ha, ha!
Kind: Kind of what?
Obedient: Not to the law of the land, in Hillary's case, while Trump is maybe a little more obedient to tax and bankruptcy laws than is good for him. And neither show any signs of governing in a way that obeys the laws of economics.
Cheerful: One of them will be on election night.
Thrifty: Not with our tax money.
Brave: Well, there's the story Hillary tells about being under fire in Bosnia. And Trump courageously attended the New York Military Academy.
Clean: Dunking these two would leave a ring around the bathtub.
Reverent: Does worshiping at the altar of themselves count?

3. The better candidates better have some substance.

Except in times of war or severe financial crisis, Americans are usually not issue-oriented voters. We vote less for a candidate's policy positions and more for who a candidate seems like as a person. But that was before this election got personal.

In 2016, we got to know the major candidates too personally. Hillary, Trump, and Bernie Sanders were real "personalities." And so were the Three Stooges. Picking our president has been like choosing between Larry, Moe, and Curly.

And none of our presidential candidates had a cogent word to say about the two most important issues, the issues upon which the entire fate of America depends.

The federal deficit is a deluge that should send any Noah into a frenzy of ark-building and animal-pairing. (Except nowadays, zoning restrictions and federal wildlife-breeding permit-application bureaucracy would probably prevent that.)

The national debt has overflowed its banks (especially the Federal Reserve one) and the damage caused by the debt flood will make the most hysterical global warming alarmist's predictions about the rising sea level seem like a leak in an inflatable kiddie pool.

4. Campaign style as well as campaign substance will be transformed.

The 2016 presidential campaign busted the myth that American politics is controlled by big-money campaign donors. For example, this year the Koch brothers had about as much influence on the election as the National Pork Producers Council has on Middle East peace negotiations.

Sanders built a formidable campaign machine based on supporters still living in their parents' basements sending him contributions of approximately the value of tie-dyed head hankies, used hacky-sack footbags, and the stems and seeds from the bottom of their medical-marijuana prescription baggies.

Trump got most of his campaigning done on the cheap by making a public spectacle of himself. He could set his pants on fire knowing that reporters and camera crews would have to cover the blaze.

Hillary did have the traditional big-bucks backers. But she didn't need them. She could have gotten to exactly where she is in the polls today for free by tweeting everything that's on YouTube about Trump.

5. The media will get a spanking.

Watching the media during the 2016 presidential campaign was like tuning into the Weather Channel to see what was happing with Hurricane Matthew only to find that all the forecasters were talking about was how great the surfing conditions were off the coast of South Carolina.

For the next election, the networks will get all serious and solemn, like a PBS special about endangered tree frogs. Therefore, nobody will tune in, and the only news anybody will get will come from Twitter.

6. The Baby Boomers will be kicked out of American politics at last.

As of November 8, we will have elected four Baby Boomer presidents in a row. Enough already with this spoiled, selfish, foolish, egotistic, indulged, entitled, morally lax, ethically loose, big, fat "Me Generation" (to which I confess I belong).

Our act is getting old. We're getting old. Time to make way for new talent.

Think how much more pleasant and less frightening this election would be if the choice were between two bright, well-educated, hard-working, happily married young people, who have been completely overshadowed by Baby Boomers hogging the limelight. Specifically, by Baby Boomers who are their parents.

Ivanka Trump versus Chelsea Clinton.

We wouldn't have to wince and close our eyes and plug our ears and hold our noses when they debated. It would be a polite exchange of views. Because – imagine this – they're friends.

Regards,

P.J. O'Rourke