Trump, Seriously!
By P.J. O'Rourke
Donald Trump is looking presidential. Or at least, he's looking, to coin a word, "nominational"...
Yesterday, on Super Tuesday, Republicans voted in 10 state primaries. Ted Cruz won his own state (Texas) and one that's practically an annex to it (Oklahoma). He also won in the state that elected Sarah Palin. Marco Rubio won Minnesota, which has no Republicans.
Donald Trump won the rest. And he placed a close second in Alaska, Oklahoma, and Texas.
The short odds are that Trump will be the Republican candidate. Everyone should be taking him seriously, starting with Trump himself.
If he runs and loses, it's serious. We'll be facing short odds again – President Hillary ("Short Everything!") Clinton.
If he runs and wins, it's serious, too. Trump has made no serious attempt to explain what he'll really do if he's elected, let alone how he'll really do it.
So far, Donald Trump is still just a way for people to say how they feel about the political establishment in two words that they can use in front of their kids.
But now Trump needs an actual campaign platform. Here are my suggestions...
Declare the U.S. Government Bankrupt
U.S.G. has an annual revenue of $3.3 trillion. Its outlay is $3.8 trillion. Our national "business" is losing $500 billion a year.
Any experienced chief executive like Donald Trump would raffle this turkey in a New York minute.
And Trump knows how – Chapter 11 filings for Trump Taj Mahal in 1991, Trump Plaza Hotel in 1992, Trump Hotels and Casinos Resorts in 2004, and Trump Entertainment Resorts in 2009.
It's not failure, it's restructuring. And everybody wins. U.S.G. has underlying assets with gigantic income-producing potential.
For example, the federal government owns 640 million acres of land. Doing a little simple math, if we rent each acre for just $65 a month, we'll break even.
Only $65 a month for a whole acre! Surely a real estate deal-making maven like Donald Trump can convince people that that's a great deal.
Mr. Trump, Tear Down That Wall
We don't need a wall on our border – we need gates with turnstiles and ticket-takers. The right way to limit immigration (and make people in foreign countries pay for it) is to charge admission to the United States.
Disneyland costs $100 a day. At least 12 million illegal immigrants are living in America. By my calculation, we're leaving $438 billion a year on the table. And America has many more attractions than Disneyland. (The S&P 500 rollercoaster is much scarier than Space Mountain.) Plus, think what we could bring in from the food, toy, and souvenir concessions.
But what if people don't leave after we let them in? We'll ask Disney. Disney doesn't seem to have trouble clearing the park when it's closing time.
Don't Make America the World's Policeman... Make America the World's Private Security Guard
And bill the world for it. According to this website, an armed security guard typically costs $18-$25 per hour.
But the U.S. military has the best training and weapons in the world. Members of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines are certainly worth double the going rate, $50 an hour at minimum.
We have 150,000 U.S. troops stationed overseas – $50 x 150,000 x 24 x 366 (this is a leap year) = $65.9 billion.
Foreign countries can pay up or go ask ISIS for help with their national defense.
Expand the Brand
Trump may bill himself as a real estate mogul, but his real genius is in branding. To date, he has only exercised his genius on one brand: his own. But what a job he has done. There is, however, a brand that's even bigger than "Trump." It's "America."
All around the world, people are imitating America – wearing blue jeans, listening to rap music and rock and roll, tweeting, posting on Facebook, playing violent video games, binge-viewing rubbish, eating junk food, and becoming obese. We should be getting royalties for this.
I admit I'm fuzzy on the details. But Trump is the businessman, not me. BMI and ASCAP have made the royalty model work for American popular music. Since it was copyrighted in 1935, the song "Happy Birthday to You" has earned an estimated $50 million in worldwide royalties.
Imagine each American getting even a few pennies in licensing fees from 7.4 billion people whenever they wear an ugly t-shirt, say "OK," or lose the TV remote.
Speaking of TV, Bring Reality Television to Washington
Trump is good at real estate deal-making and better at branding, but he's best of all at playing himself on reality TV.
Washington D.C. is a perfect setting. The only competition is C-SPAN, which is like watching the canary molt.
All Trump has to do is what he's already doing – let the cameras roll.
The genre offers endless possibilities...
The Amazing Race (we're in the midst of it)
American Idol (starring guess who?)
Snark Tank
Survivor (Ted Cruz, so far)
The Bachelor (Bill, when Hillary finally gets done with running for president)
Keeping Up With the Congressionals
Project Runaway Government Expenditures
8 Supreme Court Justices and Counting
Bush Dynasty (canceled)
The Biggest Loser (see above)
Eliminate Poverty While Saving Taxpayers $252.6 Billion a Year
(I'm serious about this platform plank.)
According to the U.S. House of Representatives Budget Committee, "There are at least 92 federal programs designed to help lower-income Americans." Together, these poverty programs cost $799 billion a year.
About 46.7 million Americans are living in poverty. The poverty threshold for an individual is $11,700 a year. If the federal government wrote 46.7 million checks for $11,700, the total would be $546.4 billion – $252.6 billion less than what's being spent now. And a family of four would get $46,800 a year.
Giving money to poor people should eliminate poverty. But the government is spending 46% more money to eliminate poverty than it would take to eliminate poverty by giving poor people money.
Bonus: Trump will get to shout his reality TV catchphrase at all the employees of 92 federal programs.
Regards,
P.J. O'Rourke