How to cultivate mentors, make friends, and develop deep relationships (part 2)

In yesterday's e-mail, I discussed the first four steps for cultivating mentors:

1. Pick a target
2. Precontact preparation
3. Initial contact
4. Initial follow-up

Picking up where I left off yesterday, the final and most important step to cultivate mentors (and make friends and develop deep relationships) is long-term relationship building.

As you start to build a relationship with someone, for the first few times you e-mail or speak with them, until you're sure they know you, continue to refer to a previous contact (for e-mail, reply to a previous e-mail so they can see your prior communications).

Thank them for their time and get right to the point: Don't hide the punch line three paragraphs into your e-mail.

It's always better to give than to receive – but of course the whole point of a mentor is that they can help you. But be very careful in asking for anything – even asking a question that they feel obligated to reply to.

I estimate that I've sent Berkshire Hathaway's (BRK-B) Warren Buffett an average of one e-mail per month for the past 25 years (technically, I send them to his assistant, who prints them out for him).

Nearly all of them have been articles for which I don't ask for or expect a reply – rather, I'm just a clipping service, trying to be his eyes and ears, only sending him something when I'm confident that I've found something that: a) is interesting and/or valuable... and b) he likely hasn't already seen (e.g. not something on the front page of a newspaper he reads).

Only ask your mentor for favors you think they're very likely to say yes to. People love to say yes to small asks, and hate to say no.

Don't overdo it, but generally the more personal connections the better. For example, if you run into a common friend, take a picture and send it with a nice note.

Introduce them to someone – but only if you're 100% sure that it will be perceived as a valuable connection.

I've only once connected someone with Buffett...

Roughly 15 years ago, a friend of mine who worked in the private wealth-management division of JPMorgan Chase (JPM) had organized a private event for a dozen of the firm's uber-wealthy clients in a luxury suite at the U.S. Open, featuring tennis legend Billie Jean King.

At the last minute someone canceled so my friend, knowing my interest in tennis, invited me and of course I said yes.

King was no doubt being paid a lot of money to be there and she was a gracious host, chatting with everyone.

I stayed back because I knew my place – the event wasn't for me – but after an hour or so, nobody was talking to her, so she sat in the front of the box to watch the match.

I couldn't believe my good fortune – I could talk to an absolute legend, not just of tennis, but all sports – and I didn't miss the opportunity.

I sat next to her and we started chatting and chatting and chatting. It helped a lot that I'm a lifelong tennis player and fan, so I really got her talking.

Eventually, she asked, "So what do you do?"

I replied, "I run a hedge fund. I'm a value investor, like Warren Buffett."

She replied, "Oh, I love Warren Buffett."

Knowing that Buffett loves rubbing elbows with sports stars, I said, "Well, if you'd like to meet him, I'm sure he'd like to meet you."

She said, "Sure."

So right then and there, I e-mailed Buffett's assistant and she replied within minutes, "Can you please send me her mailing address?"

So I asked her for it and replied.

I had never thought about this again until roughly five years ago when I told this story to a friend who's well connected in both the investing and tennis worlds, and said, "I wonder what ever happened?" He laughed and said, "Warren and Billie Jean connected and she's been to a bunch of Berkshire Hathaway annual meetings!"

Here are other ways to build a relationship with a mentor (or anyone for that matter):

• Congratulate them for something they did or that happened to them.
• Remember their birthdays, ideally with something special like an e-mail with some photos of good times you've spent together.
• Send an unexpected gift (e.g., a book, bottle of wine, nice pair of shoes).
• Surprise them with special, personal things (e.g., photos/photo albums, baby gifts).
• Invite them to a sports or major life event (e.g., your birthday, wedding, son's bar mitzvah, etc.).
• If they invite you to anything, show up. (As Woody Allen famously said, "80% of success is just showing up.")
• If they hit you up for a charity, give (no matter how small). It's a big plus if they perceive you as a philanthropic person.
• Do an activity or vacation with them (if possible).
• Always pick up the tab when you're together – it shows generosity and creates reciprocity.
• Publicly praise them, if appropriate, if you write an article or appear on TV.
• Respect their privacy. Never speak publicly (or, heaven forbid, post a photo on social media) about your relationship with them.

Here's an example of something I've done for Buffett for the better part of two decades as a small way to thank him for all he has done for me and the difference he has made in my life...

He has a sweet tooth, so my daughters and I (when they still lived at home... now my wife Susan and I) bake him homemade chocolate-chip cookies every December.

We pack them in a nice holiday tin and mail them with our holiday card, a personal thank-you note, and pictures of us baking them like these (believe it or not, those little girls are about to turn 28, 25, and 22!):

(By the way, we did the same thing for the late Charlie Munger, who sadly passed away this past November.)

Next, turning to some broader lessons...

Nearly all of the ideas I've shared yesterday and today can not only be applied to cultivating mentors, but also to making friends and building deep relationships with all of the important people in your life.

Every study shows that the key to happiness is deep relationships. Yet in our increasingly busy, socially networked world, we've moving in the opposite direction, toward hundreds (even thousands) of shallow relationships like Facebook and Instagram friends.

Here's a good way to tell if you have a deep relationship with someone: ask yourself, "Would they hide you?"

This refers to when, during the Holocaust, Jews depended on non-Jewish friends to hide them and/or their children – at risk to their own lives.

How many friends do you have who would literally risk their lives for you? That's the mark of a true friendship.

I'm incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends whom I love and who love me.

But it hasn't always come easily – it has required a lot of hard work.

And it hasn't always come naturally.

I'm not ashamed of the person I was growing up, into my 20s... but I'm not proud, either. I've never had a mean bone in my body, but I was too often self-centered, arrogant, and obnoxious. I had great relationships with my parents and a few close friends, but not many beyond that.

But fortunately, over three decades, that has changed.

I've been on an ongoing journey of self-discovery and self-improvement, with big assists from my parents, my wife, mentors like Professor Michael Porter, Buffett, Munger, and many wonderful friends.

I very consciously try to live my life in such a way that I'm beloved while I'm alive and, when I die, they have to hold at least two services in the 1,200-seat sanctuary at Central Synagogue (to which my family and I belong) because there are so many people I've touched who would want to mourn me and give eulogies.

Best regards,

Whitney

P.S. I welcome your feedback – send me an e-mail by clicking here.