Let's Look on the Bright Side

By P.J. O'Rourke

The primary election results are in from Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island.

Kudos to John Kasich for his second-place finish. Unfortunately, in a presidential race, there is no second place. Don't give up your day job, John.

Something seems to have gone wrong with Ted Cruz's attempt to bring the GOP establishment and the religious right together. Maybe setting up a cash bar in the revival tent was a bad idea.

Donald Trump is sitting pretty. Republican opposition to his nomination is folding like a cheap lawn chair.

Plus, Republican elites are scared that Trump will have security throw them out of the Republican convention in Cleveland if they protest against him.

Bernie Sanders supporters had one too many bong hits, got confused about where the polling booths were, and tried to vote for him in the changing room at Urban Outfitters.

But congrats to Bernie on his victory in Rhode Island – America's most insignificant state. Rhode Island fields no major league sports teams. Its economy is the size of Uzbekistan's. And the list of famous people born in Rhode Island begins with one Farrelly brother and ends with the other.

Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic candidate. She should lose. Only a miracle could recreate the divided and factious Obama coalition of liberals, blacks, Latinos, women, and young people. Trump is a miracle. They all hate Trump.

Everybody who ever voted for Obama and everyone they've "tweeted" and texted and friended on Facebook will turn up in polling places on Tuesday, November 8, in such immense crowds that you'll think the Democrats are giving away free beer.

Meanwhile, a lot of people who voted against Obama – but who regard Trump as a loudmouth and possibly unhinged – will be having a beer, too. But they'll be having it at home to drown their sorrows. They'll be staying away from the polls.

Therefore, Hillary will be the next president of the United States.

Let's look on the bright side.

Think of the entertainment value of having the Clintons back in the White House. What will the first scandal be?

Maybe Edward Snowden will release a secretly videotaped Hillary speech to Goldman Sachs where she shows top investment bankers the secret handshake that makes Dodd-Frank regulators lay off.

Or perhaps Hillary will claim to have been personally on the ground in Benghazi attempting to defend the life of U.S. Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens with her Beretta M9 semiautomatic pistol (which she purchased after scrupulously complying with federal government gun-buyer background checks because she's strongly in favor of stricter gun control).

Redacted top-secret State Department e-mails from Hillary's personal server could be leaked, revealing that Hillary was sexting the Dalai Lama.

Speaking of such things, don't forget that Bill will be on the prowl again (although he has learned his lesson). This Clinton administration will tolerate no hanky-panky with young interns. Uh-oh. Who just pinched Ruth Bader Ginsburg's bottom?

It may be that Hillary will follow Obama's example of how to get a Clinton out of his hair and make Bill secretary of state. Uh-oh. Who just pinched Aung San Suu Kyi's bottom?

A globe-trotting Bill might actually lessen world tensions. When Bill was president, he went to Northern Ireland and droned on and on and on until the IRA and the Loyalists got so bored that they agreed to lay down their arms if Bill would just shut up.

He almost pulled off the same trick with the Israelis and the Palestinians.

If Bill threatened to go to Raqqa, ISIS suicide bombers might detonate their suicide vests ahead of time in their own homes to avoid having to listen to him. The suicide bombers would get to go to paradise with 72 virgins. No virgins will be left in paradise if Bill gets there first.

Yes, we'll suffer from at least one – and probably several – silly liberal Supreme Court justice appointments. But the justices Hillary appoints will be so silly and so liberal that they'll spend every Supreme Court docket for the rest of the decade arguing cases about making the NHL provide transgender toilets in hockey-team locker rooms.

The international economy is about to tank. Porter says so. It will be swell to have a Democrat to blame it on.

It won't matter whether Hillary caused the international economy to tank or not. Hillary lies about everything so she's a perfect scapegoat. I had a little sister who lied about everything. I could always blame stuff on her. It was great. My dad would say, "Who took the car without permission and put a dent in it?"

I'd say, "My little sister."

She'd say, "I'm only 7!"

And I'd say, "You know how she fibs."

Same thing with Hillary when she says, "I did not default on People's Bank of China loans!"

Even the Chinese Communist politburo sounds believable compared with Hillary.

Hillary will put an end to the bitter partisan divide in Washington because the really ugly, nasty attacks on her will come from Bernie on her own side of the aisle. Republicans can just sit back and laugh.

And Bernie can bring out hordes of anti-Hillary demonstrators. Trump supporters, tea-party advocates, and Republican stalwarts will protest against Hillary, too. But only after 5 p.m., because they have jobs. Feel-the-Bern activists are all living in their parents' basements and are free to screech and yelp and wave misspelled placards in front of the White House anytime, night or day.

But the best thing about Hillary is that she'll be the salvation of the Republican Party.

The Republican Party has destroyed itself in the 2016 presidential elections.

The GOP ran a lot of nitwit candidates. It went off on pointless tangents about abortion, gay marriage, Muslims, and immigrants while ignoring real issues such as the deficit, the national debt, out-of-control entitlement spending, and – according to my 12-year-old Republican son – New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady's unjust four-game suspension for pursuing a sensible deflationary policy.

The GOP let goofy blowhard Donald Trump be the spokesman for millions of ordinary, sensible Americans who are fed up with a government that taxes the hell out of their income... dumps costs and regulatory burdens on their business... screws up their health insurance... can't provide decent medical treatment to veterans... refuses to give their children school choice... and cares more about useless demonstrators screeching and yelping and waving misspelled placards in the afternoon than it cares about hardworking employees going to work in the morning.

I'm old enough to remember the last time the Republican Party destroyed itself. That time it was Watergate and cover-ups and high crimes and misdemeanors by the Republican president. Plus, Nixon left us with a lousy economy and a bumptious administration by an unelected, nice-but-clueless Gerald Ford. Anyone want a "Whip Inflation Now" button?

That was the end of the GOP. The Republican Party was kaput. No Republican would ever be elected to any important office or position of national influence.

Then all it took was four years of Jimmy Carter.

After four years of Carter, the sun was shining on the Republican Party again. And Carter was a hug-a-bear compared with Hillary, a lovable Mr. Rogers in his cardigan sweater.

And Carter wasn't that liberal by Clinton standards. I just checked Wikipedia. It says, "In 1979, Carter deregulated the American beer industry... This Carter deregulation led to a strong craft microbrew culture in the United States, with 3,418 microbreweries, brewpubs, and regional craft breweries." We'll all be toasting Carter on November 8.

Meanwhile, the lousy, failed, one-term Hillary Clinton presidency will act as an incubator for Republican leadership. The Republicans will hatch some talent. Maybe, with a guy like Paul Ryan, they already have.

Some Republican is going to come along to sort the serious GOP issues from the trivial ones. Some Republican will be able to speak – wisely and coherently – for the disgruntled Trump supporters, able to reassure the disappointed tea-party constitutionalists, able to bring a pot of glue (instead of a jar of acid) to bind together the regular commonsensical elements of the American electorate.

Check this space in 2020. It will be Morning in America again.

Regards,

P.J. O'Rourke