My Christmas List: Presents America Would Like From the New President
By P.J. O'Rourke
Dear Donald Claus,
I know you aren't president yet. But you will be soon. So I thought I'd make a list of things that America would like to get for Christmas.
We've been good this year. Well, according to the popular-vote tally, 62,788,630 of us were good – from your point of view – while 65,435,318 of us were naughty. But funny enough, the naughty ones are the people who believe the government is Santa. So I guess it's all right if you bring them presents, too.
A Lump of Coal in Our Stockings
Or anyway, some kind of energy policy that makes use of America's natural resources and keeps us from being dependent on parts of the world that seem to be populated by a lot of Grinches.
And a Pile of Asphalt, Too
You've promised to rebuild America's infrastructure. And we know how much you like big, shiny, impressive things (preferably with your name on them).
But the most important part of infrastructure isn't "visions of sugar plums," it's maintenance. If Rudolph's nose ever flickers out and your sleigh has to make an emergency landing on I-95, you'll know what we mean. 'Tis the season to fill potholes.
A Christmas Goose
Not that kind of "goose." Not after you almost lost the election thanks to "locker room talk" with Billy Bush.
What I have in mind is the traditional Yuletide fare of cooked goose. And we don't have to go to the farmyard to find one.
Any number of senior bureaucrats in Washington should have their gooses cooked, starting with those at the IRS and the Veterans Administration.
Money
Always everybody's favorite present!
But I don't mean money in the sense of the crisp new $1 bill that Great Aunt Clara has been putting in my Christmas card since 1964.
I don't want any cash from you. And nobody else should, either. Our country has suffered enough from the idea that money is a "gift" from the government.
A much better Christmas treat for America would be a reform of our central banking system that guaranteed our money is and will continue to be actually worth something. As it is, we might as well have currency with a picture of Janet Yellen on it and a denomination marked "?".
Health Insurance
But please, not the ugly, garish Obamacare kind. It clashes with everything – common sense, fiscal responsibility, and good public health outcomes.
Yet you can't deny that modern medical costs can be astronomical. We don't want Americans to be bankrupted by huge hospital and doctor bills that they can't control.
It shouldn't be hard for a clever businessman like you to create a "Catastrophic Health Care Cost Insurance Pool" that's cheap to join and only pays off in the event of a truly disastrous illness or injury.
When it comes to medical expenses, nobody should lose the house. The boat, maybe, but not the house.
Taxes
This might seem like a strange thing to ask for. And opening a festively wrapped package of higher taxes would certainly be an unwelcome surprise on Christmas morning.
But even slightly higher taxes would be better than the taxes we have now. The American tax system is so deliberately full of subterfuges and complex scams that if the IRS were a private business, it would be subject to prosecution for criminal fraud.
I want my tax bill to be simple. And I want an itemized receipt.
Taxes are the price we pay for domestic security and the rule of law. If I'm in the top tax bracket (and I hope to get there), I'm paying 39.6% of the $466,950 that I earn. That's $184,912.
If I spent $184,912 at the grocery store, I'd expect the cash register to print out a list of the items I purchased and what I paid for each of them.
How much was that can of Whoop-Ass? How much was that package of poisonous snakes preserved in federally protected wetlands?
So that's what I want for America. But I also have my own personal Christmas list. This doesn't have anything to do with you, Mr. President-elect. I'm publishing it here in the Stansberry Digest because Jolly Saint Nick is obviously a man of ample economic resources and therefore, no doubt about it, a paid-up subscriber. I'd like to make sure he sees...
What I DON'T Want for Christmas
12 Drummers Drumming: Any Santa who gives drum sets to children should be placed under house arrest in his North Pole workshop.
11 Pipers Piping: A Santa who gives bagpipes to children is even worse. May global warming cause the polar ice sheet to melt and plunge him and all the elves into the icy Arctic Ocean.
10 Lords a-Leaping: The U.S. Constitution, Article I, Section 9, Clause 8: "No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States."
9 Ladies Dancing: My wife objects. She says one is enough. Plus, my wife points out, I can't dance, anyway.
8 Maids a-Milking: Luddism, plain and simple. Automatic milking machines vastly improve dairy farm productivity.
7 Swans a-Swimming: Not in my pond. I have hunting dogs. My black lab would make short work of these.
6 Geese a-Laying: See "Christmas Goose" above.
5 Golden Rings: Symbol of the Olympics. Please keep the Olympic Games out of the U.S. They've become a ridiculous spectacle conducted at enormous public expense featuring sports you've never heard of played by countries that should go home and pave their roads.
4 Calling Birds: I hate Twitter.
3 French Hens: We have Rhode Island Reds. Snooty French Hens turning up their beaks at my Purina chicken feed? No thanks.
2 Turtle Doves: I'm an avid bird hunter, but I live in New Hampshire, which doesn't have a dove season.
A Partridge in a Pear Tree: Shooting a sitting bird kind of goes against "the spirit of Christmas." And we hunters don't consider it sporting, either. (Although, Santa, I wouldn't mind a few ruffed grouse in the orchard next October.)
Regards,
P.J. O'Rourke