Bill Ackman introduced me to my wife; My new e-mail list for single friends; DiscOasis in Central Park; Logan Ury Says You're Dating All Wrong; Scott Galloway and Kara Swisher's dating advice; The chapter from my book on loneliness

1) My buddy Bill Ackman of Pershing Square Capital Management has made introductions that have led to four marriages – including my own!

It was early September 1990, a little over a year after I'd graduated from Harvard. I was working at the Boston Consulting Group in downtown Boston and, honestly, was feeling sort of lonely, as almost none of my college friends had stayed in the area.

Bill was just starting Harvard Business School when one of his college roommates, who was starting Harvard Law School, invited Bill to be his wingman at the first-year student orientation booze cruise of Boston Harbor that evening, so Bill invited me to join them.

Within the first five minutes after we boarded – the boat hadn't even left the pier – the three of us were standing around when a young woman (my future wife, Susan) came up to Bill and said, "Excuse me, but are you from Chappaqua?"

Somewhat startled, Bill said, "Yes."

"Are you Billy Ackman?" (Even without his silver mane, Bill was quite recognizable!)

"Yes, I'm Bill."

"I'm Susan Blackman. We went to Hebrew school together!" (They both grew up in the suburbs of New York City, him in Chappaqua, her in neighboring Armonk, which at the time shared a synagogue.)

Long story short, they started talking, I elbowed my way into the conversation, and the rest, as they say, is history... (Susan and I were married on October 10, 1993. I regularly joke with her that she married the wrong hedgie – LOL!)

Here are pictures of us from back then:

2) Bill's proud of the four marriages he's responsible for – as well he should be. It's hard to imagine doing something more impactful...

My record, on the other hand, is ZERO!

This is an embarrassment that I'm determined to rectify – not, to be clear, because I'm competitive with Bill (though I am!), but because it would bring me great joy if I helped some of my friends find their soulmates.

As a starting point, I've created a new e-mail list for articles, events, etc. that I think might be of interest to single folks.

To sign up for it, simply send a blank e-mail to: singles-subscribe@mailer.kasecapital.com (at any time you can unsubscribe by sending a blank e-mail to: singles-unsubscribe@mailer.kasecapital.com).

3) Here's my first invitation to an event...

Starting this coming Thursday, June 16, and continuing through September, a roller disco with lights and music called DiscOasis will be taking place every day and night at Wolman Rink at the south end of Central Park. Here's an article about it: The DiscOasis, a '70s-themed roller disco experience, will do the hustle in Central Park this summer.

Here's a one-minute video of the DiscOasis in Los Angeles, and here's a rendering of what the one at Wolman Rink will look like:

Susan and I will be there opening night on Thursday at 8 p.m. – join us! (The weather forecast is good.) (That session is now sold out, but you can sign up for the 7:30 p.m.)

Here's the website and here's the page to buy a ticket ($61).

4) An interesting article in today's New York Times: Logan Ury Says You're Dating All Wrong. Excerpt:

Ms. Ury, 34, is part of a long lineage of love experts who have built a dating pundit industrial complex. Of late, they have been joined by TikTokers and podcasters and Instagram infographic makers who churn out random dating "rules" — wait three hours before responding to a text, tell men they make you feel safe, curb every impulse to fight with your partner.

Not all of them have Ms. Ury's credentials, though — a Harvard psychology degree and a book that's gone into its eighth printing and has been translated into 14 languages. To stand out amid those who love to explain love, Ms. Ury packages her coaching as precise and prestigious, applying the language of Silicon Valley C.E.O.s to a throng of anxious daters.

Back at her desk an hour later, Ms. Ury led a Zoom session for 67 people who had paid nearly $2,000 each for the course, which gave them the chance to ask their most pressing questions about dating.

5) NYU marketing professor Scott Galloway and tech columnist Kara Swisher are two of my favorite thinkers, so I really enjoy their twice-weekly Pivot podcast, during which they comment on a wide range of issues – including, in a recent episode (starting at 29:33), dating advice! Their comments were in response to this question that one of their listeners asked them:

Hi Kara and Scott. So, Scott, I've been hearing and reading your insights on dating lately and masculinity. And each time your insights actually kind of trigger me emotionally because they all just kind of confirm everything I've suspected but didn't have the numbers or intellect to back up until you provided all of that. So I would really like a monogamous partner in my life and a family in the next decade as well as, you know, career growth, all the things... I want it all.

But at this point, I'm feeling discouraged on the relationship side. For context, I'm a 30-year-old straight woman living alone. I work remotely in tech, so my community's online, and it just feels like there aren't that many options. And it's getting more scarce with each year I get older.

So I'm just curious what advice you would give me and other women like me.

Is there hope or should I prepare myself for the reality that my goals for a partner and family might not happen or just might not look the way that I thought it would because of how our culture's shifting?

I look up to you both more than anyone else, and I would really appreciate both of your insights. Love you guys.

I asked Scott to post a transcript of their answer, which he was kind enough to do here. Excerpts:

SCOTT: I think about this a lot. I get asked for a lot of advice around dating and here's the reality. And, you know, everyone says, "Oh, there's someone for everyone." No, there isn't. Not necessarily. And so much of it is a function of just market dynamics. If you live in New York or Miami, it massively favors the man.

There are two and a half single women for every single guy in New York. And so when my friends complain about their girlfriends, I'm like: "Be clear, she would never date you if we lived in Atlanta or Dallas or Ontario, California"...

So there are a lot of factors here. Having said this, we have this because of technology. We now have Porsche polygamy, and that is the top 10% of men in terms of attractiveness get 80% of the mating opportunities, which does not encourage long-term relationships. There is this Peter Pan effect and then the bottom half of men, because fewer are going to college who are economically or emotionally viable, quite frankly, don't satisfy the criteria for most women who sound intelligent and rightfully have high standards, as this young woman does.

What I would say in terms of advice is that you need to put yourself in a position to have as much random success as possible. And it's the following.

One: Force yourself to put yourself in as many situations where a random meeting might take place and force yourself to be aggressive. Accept opportunities to go to dinner with people. Go to things, get out.

You don't feel like it. You'd rather stay at home and watch Netflix, but go have dinner with friends, put yourself in a situation to talk to strangers.

Also, put yourself in a situation where if you have coffee with someone and you don't maybe think, "Oh, this is great," maybe give it another shot, maybe have a second date.

The best thing in my life – and I'm bragging now – is that I get to raise kids with someone I care a great deal about. And I walked in, I met this person...

I didn't think I was ever going to get married. Quite frankly, I didn't want to, but I didn't think I was ever going to get married or have kids.

And it's the nicest thing. It's ended up being surprisingly nice.

I saw this person and I said to myself, "I'm going to go talk to this person before I leave." It was uncomfortable. And I was at the Raleigh Hotel at the pool. And my oldest son's middle name now is Raleigh.

Nothing wonderful will happen to you unless you take an uncomfortable risk.

Get out, go up to strangers, talk to them. Give men who express an interest a chance. Go start talking to men. Talk to the guy in front of you at Starbucks. Serendipity is a function of effort.

KARA: Many of the people I went out with, I remember seeing and not doing anything. And I walked back in for one person. I walked past and was leaving and I turned around and walked back in. You know what I mean?

I just did that same thing with meeting Amanda. It was a blind date. And I was like, "Oh, no, I don't do those." But I just said yes.

Same thing with my first wife. I was very bereft about breaking up with someone. And I sort of squirreled away. I had just moved to California and when the weather started to turn, I said, "I'm gonna say yes to everything I'm invited to. Everything, everything!"

And I went to so many things and then I met Meghan and, so you know, we had two beautiful children, we got divorced. But what a wonderful outcome for that marriage.

And so you never know where things are going to go, but you have to... I know people try and try and try and it doesn't work. And I do agree men can be... there's a trend as Scott has talked about many times, about men being disassociated or isolated, especially by pornography, by social media. Women tend to focus in on a small group of men and not all of them. But there's great men out there.

And believe me, my son talks about it a lot, like Tinder, it's like "I never get swiped on."

I don't think you should be on Tinder, honestly. You should go out and meet people in person. Social media isn't good. I mean, I know a lot of friends who have met on social media initially, but that is not the way to meet people. It just isn't. Your friends, your family, work people, you see that sort of interest. Going to group things, in-person things, whether it's church or whatever, is the very best way to make connections with people. Thank you . We should start a dating service. We should become like yentas.

SCOTT: I love fixing people up. It's a total mitzvah.

KARA: I do, too. I have six marriages to my name. I just fix people up. But I'm very tricky. And when I do it, I lie to people about things.

6) There is an epidemic of loneliness, which I wrote about in my book, The Art of Playing Defense. I wrote an entire chapter about Calamity No. 2, "Loneliness and/or Suffering a Permanently Impaired Relationship with a Loved One." Excerpt:

Imagine a condition that makes a person irritable, depressed, and self-centered and is associated with a 26% increase in the risk of premature mortality. Imagine too that in industrialized countries, around a third of people are affected by this condition, with one person in 12 affected severely, and that these proportions are increasing. Income, education, sex, and ethnicity are not protective, and the condition is contagious. The effects of the condition are not attributable to some peculiarity of the character of a subset of individuals; they are a result of the condition affecting ordinary people. Such a condition exists – loneliness. – The growing problem of loneliness, published in The Lancet in 2018.

... Even before the coronavirus, which has surely made things much worse, the US had been experiencing a loneliness epidemic. A 2018 study from health insurer Cigna found that 54% of 20,000 Americans surveyed reported feeling lonely – and this rose to 61% only a year later. According to other studies, two in five Americans report they sometimes or always feel their social interactions lack meaning, and one in five reports chronic loneliness or social isolation. More than half of American adults are unmarried, and a quarter live alone.

It cuts across all age groups. The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) reports that more than 42 million adults in the US over the age of 45 suffer from chronic loneliness and that loneliness and isolation are major risk factors for early death in older Americans, increasing the odds by 45%. Meanwhile, the Cigna study found that Generation Z adults (18-22 years old) are the loneliest generation, outpacing boomers, Gen X, and millennials, despite being more connected than ever.

While it may seem counterintuitive, it turns out that social media is causing loneliness and misery for two primary reasons: first, people are substituting social media for genuine in-person interactions, and second, because they only see other people's "highlight reels" (cherry-picked photos of seemingly perfect trips, parties, and relationships), they assume that everyone else's lives are better than their own.

We are just beginning to understand the many negative effects of chronic loneliness. Researchers at the Health Resources and Services Administration found social isolation is as damaging to human health as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day and more dangerous than obesity. Conversely, greater social connection is associated with a 50% reduced risk of early death...

Combating Loneliness

To combat loneliness, you first have to overcome the natural inclination to withdraw even further. An 11-year study by psychologists at the University of Chicago revealed that many lonely people feel under threat and, to protect themselves, respond by becoming more self-centered, which of course, just makes them lonelier still.

The key is to overcome these fears and invest in building more, deeper relationships. Both breadth and depth are important, though I think the latter is more so.

Best regards,

Whitney

P.S. I welcome your feedback at WTDfeedback@empirefinancialresearch.com.