NYT: 13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married; My book: The 12 Questions to Ask Before You Marry Someone

This 2016 New York Times article, 13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married, reminds me of my favorite section of my recent book: The Art of Playing Defense: How to Get Ahead by Not Falling Behind.

I like my list better – but I'm biased!

Here's an extended excerpt from my book...

The 12 Questions to Ask Before You Marry Someone

1) Are they a warm, kind, and good-hearted person, toward both you and others? Do they have a mean bone in their body? How do they treat people like employees, waiters, and taxi drivers? Do children and dogs like them?

This is so important – and it's so easy to be fooled because, of course, the person you're dating is going to be on their best behavior around you. That's why it's critical to watch how they treat others, especially those they don't perceive to be peers. Children and dogs are often much better judges of character than you are!

2) If you weren't romantically interested in each other, would you be close friends? Do you make each other better?

Over time, when the passion and romance aren't so intense, there had better be a solid foundation of friendship, or you're in trouble. You want to be with someone who gives you frank feedback and smooths your rough edges – as Susan regularly does with me!

3) Do they have high integrity? Are they a stable, solid, predictable person who you can count on 100%? Do you trust them completely? Are there any issues with anger management, violence, narcissism, alcohol, or drugs?

There can be no compromise in this area. If you don't trust someone with your life – if you're not 100,000% certain that they would never cheat on you or knowingly hurt you, directly or indirectly, in any way – then RUN! If you find yourself rationalizing, "Well, he's great most of the time, but sometimes when he's had too much to drink..." RUN!

One of my friends who's dated a lot of people told me that many of them can't "relax and be themselves" until they've had many drinks. If you observe this, RUN!

4) Do you share core values, e.g., self-improvement, giving back/philanthropy, meritocracy, humility, life balance, spirituality, thinking before acting, looking for win-win solutions?

Every person's list here will be different. I thought about adding "political views," but you'll have to decide that for yourself.

5) Are they intelligent and intellectually curious? Do you find them interesting?

This isn't code for "Did they attend an elite college?" My dad is from a prominent family in Connecticut and went to a private high school before attending Yale, while my mom is the daughter of a Seattle fireman and went to public schools all the way through the University of Washington. So what? They're both smart, intellectually curious, and interesting – and have been happily married for more than 58 years!

6) Do they like to do fun things and have a zest for life? Are they a happy and optimistic person? Do they have a good sense of humor and make you laugh?

There are so many people who look great on paper – they're nice, went to a good school, have a solid job, etc. – but are just, well... boring. You don't want to be married to someone like that unless that's what you're looking for, of course!

7) Do they have a strong work ethic and a purpose?

Initially, this question was "Do they have a good job or career?" but I changed it because some people choose to do things like write books, raise kids, or do volunteer work – and they're very happy and are wonderful spouses. The point of this question is that if you're a driven person and your spouse is a lump, your marriage isn't likely to last.

8) Do they come from a stable family? Do you want to spend time with them (because you will!)?

The first part of the question here is tricky because it seems unfair to hold it against someone if they happen to come from a messed-up family. But I'll be honest: I'd rather see my daughters marry guys whose families are similar to ours – filled with deep, long-term, loving relationships.

9) Do your friends and family like them?

Similar to the dogs and children question, someone may be able to fool you... but they're unlikely to be able to fool all of your friends and family. Ask people close to you what they think – and listen carefully!

10) Do they have similar views on big issues such as where to live, children (how many, what religion, how will child-rearing duties be split), whether one of you will stop or cut back on working to raise the kids, and finances (spending habits, lifestyle, debt, the importance of having a lot of money)? Will they be a good parent?

As your relationship deepens, you'll want to think about these things – and have some conversations about them, however difficult those might be.

Regarding religion, I remember on my first date with my wife, I told her we could raise our kids Jewish. It was certainly premature – I said it with a smile – but it's a critical conversation to have if you and your potential spouse are from different religions. (I wasn't raised religious, so it wasn't a sacrifice for me – and I'm delighted that my daughters are Jewish, as I fully embrace the values of the religion.)

Another huge issue is balancing both of your careers with the demands of raising a family. A lot of guys have the sexist assumption that their wives will sacrifice their careers once kids come along, which can lead to anger, resentment, and eventually, divorce.

11) Have they had long-term relationships in the past? How have they ended? What would previous boyfriends or girlfriends say about them?

When deciding whether to raise children and spend the rest of your life with someone, you should be less concerned with how someone is 99% of the time than with how their worst 1% looks like. Observing or talking to ex-partners is a good place to start.

12) Do you think they're attractive, and do you have a wild, passionate sex life?

A good sex life is an important element of a healthy marriage, but I have deliberately listed this as the last and least important question in part because so many young people seem to put it first. I know a number of guys who are trapped in miserable marriages with women who are mean, shallow, or otherwise unpleasant – but, boy, were they hot and sexy when they were younger! To quote the old adage, these guys let their little heads think for their big ones... and have been paying a big price ever since.

I am not saying that you need a perfect answer to every one of these questions. Every person might have a slightly different set of questions, prioritize them differently, and think differently about what flaws can be overlooked. For example, can you live with someone who occasionally smokes marijuana? Or has very different political beliefs? Or spends money more freely than you? What if you want to raise the kids in your faith, but your potential spouse wants to let them decide for themselves? There are no easy answers to questions like this.

A guy I met recently asked me an interesting question:

Once you've gone on a few dates with someone you like, is there a way to accelerate finding the answers to the 12 questions? The cost of waiting when the answer ends up being "no" is that you've lost time you could have spent looking for the right partner.

One strategy I've heard of is going on camping trips together early in a relationship, where something inevitably goes wrong, and you can see how the other person reacts.

Here was my reply: I would worry less about how much time it takes to really get to know someone, and more about staying with someone you know isn't right, out of inertia or "he/she is really nice" or "wow, the sex is great." Worse yet, if you let it drag on long enough, you might just marry this wrong person – I've seen it happen. So, keep in mind what Bill Gates once said of employees: "Hire slowly; fire quickly."

Another friend asked if I thought the decision to marry someone should be based on some variation of my 12 questions or on gut instinct.

I think both. Any relationship has to start with genuine, emotional attraction. Don't even think about these questions until it becomes more serious and you're asking yourself, "Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?"

But then, be sure to ask these questions because it might help you avoid a terrible mistake. Someone close to me is twice divorced – and both times, I'm convinced that, had she had this list, she wouldn't have married either dud. Sometimes the smartest people make the dumbest decisions when it comes to matters of the heart.

That said, once you've asked – and, more importantly – honestly answered the questions, then what do you do? Let's say you assign each question a score of one, a half, or zero. If you give the person you're dating a score of eight, that's clearly not good enough – keep looking. On the other hand, you're likely to never get married if you hold out for a perfect 12. But what if your score is 10 – is that good enough? I can't answer that for you. Ultimately, the final decision is yours – and one of the heart, not the head.

But don't make a quick decision or rush into anything. This is a decision you must get right, so be careful, take your time, and don't compromise.

Nobody is perfect, but if you're not 99% certain that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, then wait, collect more information, and do more thinking.

Best regards,

Whitney

P.S. I welcome your feedback at WTDfeedback@empirefinancialresearch.com.